Barack Obama makes Northwestern first stop in historic “anti-publicity” campaign

By Jack’s Smirking Revenge 3608066101_87eb5a4b45_z

President Obama debuted his new anti-publicity campaign with the new Northwestern class last Thursday in response to him reaching his lame-duck phase. The White House decided this would be an ideal time to try out a new and innovative kind of public relations strategy.

As Obama’s time in office draws to a close, his outreach has begun shifting to more and more specialized segments of the population. For this particular visit, White House staff disclosed that the president is on the lookout for new faces in his weekly golfing trips, which look to ascend sharply in number as his political influence declines.

“There’s a reason I came to a business school instead of a school of government,” Obama told the gathered audience. “Have you ever tried to get a politician to keep a fair tally?”

With a limited audience, the White House argued, they could also focus on really the only people who will matter to the economy in a few years.

“I came here today to speak with a diverse group of students,” Obama said as he spoke to his meticulously chosen group of Kellogg business students. “Some of you will go on the Goldman Sachs, some to JP Morgan, some to other venture capital firms, but yet even more of you will become millionaires.”

As most of the population skipped class to watch Obama on a screen, like they can do every day in the comfort of their own room, the chosen students were presented with an eloquently written speech on the importance of economics for the future of America.

 “We’re looking at marketing a more aggressive anti-public approach that will resonate with only 1% of the population,” PR said. “That’s the kind of market we’re targeting right now.”

The arrival of the president was not only marked by his discreet fleet of too-shiney black SUV’s and the secret service, but also by three helicopters and a nauseating increase of unnecessary traffic. Many parking lots were also completely or partially closed in his honor.

“To keep things on edge,” continued PR.

Obama decided to end on a note of encouragement for the few, selected, specific group of students to whom he spoke. He stressed the importance always looking forward.

“You all represent a very small percentage of students in such a prestigious school like Northwestern,” Obama said. “Which means you’re already on your way to repopulating America’s 1%. Now that is something I can believe in.”

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