By Chron Burgundy
Members of the Northwestern community were shocked to discover on Thursday that their beloved alma mater has been spying on them ever since they took their very first step on campus.
The plot was exposed this week by Jedidiah Springden, a former analyst for the Northwestern Security Agency (NSA), a sub-department of NUIT. In a late-night text to the cell phones of select university officials, Springden announced his plans to resign from the agency and go public with the information.
“i just cant stand abusing every1s trust like this,” the text read. “Those poor students think the things they do at parties r safe from the eyes of people like Morty Shapiro. Its time they knw the truth.”
Prior to his leak, the name “Springden” didn’t mean much to the Northwestern community. His work, deemed top-secret by the administration, was shrouded behind layers of NUPortal-protected login screens. To those who had made his acquaintance, he appeared to be simply a fellow student, albeit one with an annoying habit of friending everyone on Facebook immediately upon learning their full name.
Most of his work consisted of looking through those profiles for people stupid enough to post pictures of drinking, partying and suggestive poses “just begging for violation of academic integrity.”
Sophomore Deon Rael told the Methodist that he was shocked to discover that the frantically scribbling, apparently middle-aged student who sat next to him in class was not in fact striving to keep pace with the TA, but was instead capturing details of everything from his classmates’ online shopping all the way down to their facial expressions and degrees of cross-eyedness.
Springden has been the target of a quiet manhunt for the past two days. Officials from his former department have been quoted saying that the university aims to track him down at all costs, and furthermore will not apologize for its actions.
“All we’ve done is make sure that the interests of our students retain a very special place in our hearts,” wrote NSA Director Allan Reiczsman in a press release this morning. “And in our hard drives.”
Reiczsman continued, saying that he has always been told that the Northwestern community prides itself on its drive and intelligence. “So we started gathering intelligence,” he said.
Springden is now reportedly seeking asylum within the borders of the University of Chicago, which by all accounts has still failed to notice his presence.
When contacted by this paper for comment, UChicago’s Dean of Campus Awareness Ron Guinness replied with an 8-page dissertation on the nature of security and a curt note that he would have written more had time permitted.
“As long as he doesn’t block the bookshelves or the Starbucks line, we don’t really care,” Guinness wrote in his statement.
Springden himself looks optimistically toward his eventual return to society. Chronicling his exile in a blog titled “Overheard at NU 2,” he wrote, “What better place to lay low for a while than Hyde Park? I mean, shit, it’s even in the name and everything.”
Photo by IDF.