By: Rich Littlejon
Northwestern has decided to inspect the penises of “over 4,000” male undergraduates this April, in an effort to stop a surge in STD rates on campus.
“On April 25th, all male members of the Northwestern community will come to SPAC to attend our first Penis Inspection Day,” read a university press release.
The convocation is mandatory. Twenty nurses will carry out the operation.
The purpose of the inspections is to find students with STDs and “abnormally small or funny willies,” said President Morton Schapiro. Those undergraduates will then be referred to Health Services or CAPS.
STD rates on campus have risen over 20% this year, according to medical records.
“Most of those cases are probably due to Chet Haze, but it’s a major health issue nonetheless,” said doctor Philip Dong of Northwestern Memorial Hospital.
While finding and treating STD cases remains a primary goal, Penis Inspection Day is not just about health inspections.
“It’s also about simply measuring and detailing the penises of our student body, mostly for research purposes,” said Lue Platter, a nurse at the Health Center.
To make the research-gathering simpler, all male students will have their penis’s length, girth, and distinguishing characteristics permanently marked down on their WildCards.
The move has prompted controversy.
Jonathan Degrass, a Weinberg sophomore who asked not to be named, said it would be “really embarrassing.”
“I don’t want to show the Frontera staff my penis length every time I use munch money- not that I have anything to hide,” he said.
However, not all students will be affected. For instance, The Daily Northwestern’s male staff has lobbied for a “Daily exemption” and will not have their Penile Information marked down on their WildCards. Instead, the data will remain on a secret file in Norris.
None of The Daily’s male staff members returned calls for comment. A female editor, however, giggled at length.