(This article was featured in our print issue, which was published on Nov. 10, 2012.)
EVANSTON — As autumn nears its close and new students acclimate themselves to the harsh realities of Northwestern University, the age-old struggles of first-year college students have reared their ugly heads once again. For freshman Alex Morland, the struggle began with his first load of laundry.
On Sunday, October 7th, Morland approached the washing machine with wide eyes and absolutely no practical skills whatsoever. “My roommate forced me to do my laundry,” said Morland, who had previously planned on re-wearing the clothes until his mother could clean them over Thanksgiving break. “He said that the stench was making him hallucinate.”
Upon actually examining the machine, Morland passed out on the spot. “All of my clothes are different colors,” Morland said after regaining consciousness. “Should I put my jeans in with my T-shirts? And what about my delicates?!”
At approximately 12:07 pm, nursing student Denise Hale found Morland collapsed into a pile of dirty underwear. “Once I found a way to simultaneously approach the patient and plug my nose, I determined that he had fallen into a responsibility-induced comatose state,” said Hale. When Morland awoke 5 minutes later he began frantically separating his total 7 items of clothing by color. “Would you call this white or beige?” he said after comparing six different detergents. “I just can’t decide whether to use bleach or color safe!” He then collapsed again.
“There were so many settings,” said Hale as she stroked Morland’s head tenderly. “Warm, cold, warm-cold – anyone could potentially have a negative reaction.”
She later stated that it might have just been the smell.