This article was originally published on Sep 30
EVANSTON – After the Northwestern football team improved to number 24 in the AP Polls, the Northwestern community gives more fucks about football than ever before.
In a stark contrast to previous reports of “indifference to sporting events” and “questionable knowledge of sports lingo, whatsoever”, the Northwestern community is giving record amounts of fucks for their newly successful football program.
“The amount of fucks given is absolutely incredible” said Northwestern president Morty Schapiro. “Northwestern students haven’t given this many fucks about the football team since they could throw the field goal posts into Lake Michigan!”
In a recent Chronicle poll, nearly 12% of Northwestern students could successfully describe a quarterback as “the guy who throws the ball”, nearly quadrupling previous polling numbers. Polls also indicate Northwestern students are more willing to smack talk on online sports forums, harass fans of opposing teams, and even wear their team colors outside of Evanston.
During a press release, head coach Pat Fitzgerald was quoted thanking the community for the new fucks given towards the team after recent victories. “Back in my time as a player, the only people who gave a fuck were the Evanstonians who remembered our number one ranking in 1962. Now, with the fucks you all give, we can reach our goal of a bowl game not in Texas!”
Starting quarterbacks Kain Colter and Trevor Siemian were greeted to hundreds of recent fuck-givers at a local pep rally, but confused the crowd when they mentioned foreign terms like wide receiver and touchdown.
The crowd nearly erupted in disgust when Siemian told the crowd he could not wait to “throw the ol’ pigskin on Saturday”.
Although many fucks have been given recently, research indicates the enthusiasm will soon subside once the Wildcats start losing again. Northwestern students continue to rank football low in their interest index, behind topics like campus fox sightings and the weather forecast.
But fear not football fans! Northwestern students still give more fucks about football than Chet Haze’s career.
Photo by Mike Pettigano