It’s that time of the year in the NFL. There are just two games left until the last game left of the year, and we at The Chronicle couldn’t be more excited. Mostly because the higher ups at The Chron hate football (and most sports), but whatever.
So we have a problem. The Chronicle (me) has no idea who we want to see in the Super Bowl. How do we solve this problem? Through bullshit reasoning, that’s how.
NFC Championship – San Francisco 49ers vs. Atlanta Falcons
San Francisco is a beautiful city. While San Francisco values may not always mesh with The Chron’s, one has to respect the city’s place in American progress. The 49ers are coached by one of the sport’s rising stars, Jim Harbaugh. Harbaugh recently made Stanford into a respectable program. Being as appreciative of miracle work as we are here at The Chronicle, that is a definite bonus in favor of San Francisco.
But: the 49ers play in a stadium originally designed for baseball. Baseball over football? Is it the 40’s? Speaking of the 40’s: Japanese internment. Not cool, San Francisco.
Now, Atlanta is one of the largest cities in the South and a vibrant center of black culture. On the other hand, if San Francisco is going to get points off for Japanese internment, then Atlanta has to be penalized for slavery. These standards may be arbitrary, but they aren’t doubled.
The fact that Atlanta is in the South doesn’t help its chances in this competition. The Chronicle loves America, and when America is split apart, it is hard to forget.
Couple that with the fact that one of the figures I personally admire most is the guy who burned Atlanta down, and it becomes clear who wins. The Chronicle chooses the San Francisco 49ers.
AFC Championship – New England Patriots vs Baltimore Ravens
At first glance, The Chronicle should love the New England Patriots. For one, they’re called the Patriots. We love America. What’s there to be disappointed about?
When you look further into the Patriots, their sinister side begins to show (or not much further, as everybody and their dog hates this team). The Patriots are undoubtedly one of the best teams of the past decade. They played in five Super Bowls since 2001. They won three of them in four seasons.
In sports, we call that a dynasty. What is a dynasty associated with? Monarchies and royalty. There you have it. The Patriots are nothing but Royalists posing as true Americans. These Tory bastards bow to their pauper king Bill Belichick. Don’t let the rags fool you, this man is wealthy and ruthless, like a poorly dressed Tywin Lannister.
The Baltimore Ravens, on the other hand… are actually just as hate-able. The only good thing to come out of that city is The Wire, a show about how much Baltimore sucks. The Ravens are a relatively young team, having moved from Cleveland in 1996 (destroying the soul of that city in the process). Four years later they won the Super Bowl. Assholes.
The only positive thing I can say about the Ravens is that they’re coached by John Harbaugh, brother of 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh. The idea of seeing two brothers coaching against each other on the NFL’s biggest stage is too good to pass up.
For that reason, The Chronicle picks the Ravens.
The Chronicle does not want the South to rise again, and it does not want to support the monarchists. For that reason, I’m picking the 49ers and the Ravens to play in the Harbaugh Bowl.
Photo by Amehdiza