By Jack’s Smirking Revenge
As your hangover from yesterday’s wild parties wear off, there’s obviously no better time to start thinking about costumes for next year’s Halloween! After all, thinking ahead is crucial to avoid the utter humiliation and embarrassment of crashing every party with a sub-par costume… again. Luckily, we have taken the liberty to generously provide you with a list of ideas so you don’t have to worry about screwing up another thing in your already pathetic life.
1. Mariachi Jesus – Perfect for all the guys jealous of those lustrous locks and beard combo but can only manage to pull off a beer belly and moustache. Talk about the best of both worlds.
2. UChicago student –You can finally wear that one sweater you “forgot” to throw out after being rejected from the school of your dreams. Talk about the Life of the Mind and let everyone know how cognitively superior you are to them. “On MY campus, we have a robot library. Do YOU have a robot library?”
3. Best Friends Forever – Have one of your friends dress up as a U of I football player and dress up as an NU football player yourself. Hold their hand the entire night. Never let go. Stare soulfully into each others eyes.
4. Whiny feminist – Redundant, we know. But this is sure to be a hit with all the guys at the party who think you’re hilarious. Be sure to bring a burnt bra with you as a prop. Be empowered by your too long leg and armpit hair. When people don’t get your costume, be sure to yell at them for oppressing you. Remember, you’re representing all women here, so don’t be afraid to be offensive.
5. Dead Ebola patient – As long as you don’t go as the American guy, you’re good. Carry around bloody organs for extra laughs!
6. ISIS member – Wear traditional Middle Eastern garb and only yell in something that sounds like whatever language it is they speak over there. We’re serious about the yelling. YELL. Extra points for bushy eyebrows and beards. Extra extra points for a bushy…anything else.
7. Erwin Schrödinger – Bring a box with a dead cat inside. When people ask what’s inside, show them. When they’re disgusted by the rotting carcass, blame them for killing it. It’s great because until they look inside, no one can be sure whether you’re the life of the party or the biggest weirdo ever.
8. Non-Feminist Gender Studies Student – Just kidding. Those don’t exist. Haha!
9. LISTSERV – Yell out “You have mail!” every 30 minutes or so. Yell at everyone. Every. One. Until they kick you out or, I don’t know, go crazy and decide to unsubscribe you from the world…permanently.
10. Missing Malaysian airline passenger – Don’t show up to the party. Have everyone discuss it nonstop for the next two weeks. If you do it next year, there won’t even be anyone to say it was “too soon!”
11. McCormick DTC Professor – Make sure you show up ten minutes late to every party you go to. Keep assuring everyone that your class is not a complete waste of time. Don’t forget to bring some handy assignment sheets to keep everyone sharp over the weekend. Busy work isn’t useless! Your class is the best! Please don’t drop out of engineering, I need my job. Please.
12. Child Bride – Dress up as a young, innocent-looking bride. Extra points if you can get your boyfriend to dress up as an elderly man who bosses you around all night. Haven’t you heard? They even offer child-sized pregnancy suits now, so it looks even more realistic. The best part about this costume is that no one will be offended by your costume longer than the time it takes to see you in it. They’ll forget about it immediately, just like KONY.
13. Rush Limbaugh – No. No one wants to see that. Why would you even think that this was an acceptable costume? Go sit in a corner.